Alcohol manufacturers forced to put warning labels on all products

Thursday morning Heidi Scottson was pulled over and arrested when taking her two children to school. The officer that pulled her over said she was driving recklessly and blew a 0.23% BAC. "I felt bad for her. She said she had no idea the vodka she drank would make her drunk and didn't know that is was illegal to drive while intoxicated. But, it is the law and I still had to take her in." Scottson is outraged for being forced to pay a $500 fine. She has appealed the courts, claiming she had no idea alcohol would make her drunk. Her claims have not gone unnoticed. The supreme court has ruled that all alcohol manufacturers include a warning label on every single one of their products. Scottson succeeded with the appeal and the fine has been waived.

Scrubs not over!

Contrary to popular belief, this will not the be the final season of NBC's hit TV show, Scrubs. We got the inside scoop from one of the writers. Season 7 will end with the janitor falling in love with Dr. Elliot Reed, John Dorian and Chris Turk finally giving into their inescapable romantic feelings for one another, and Carla reveals that she is actually a man.

"Season 8 will take a whole new approach. No longer will Scrubs be a comedy, but more of a drama. We've been watching the Young and the Restless for many years and have decided this is the direction we want the show to head." said Bill Lawrence, creator of Scrubs.

Many middle aged women have been ecstatic about the new idea. John Dorian is no longer the main focus of the show, but rather 'The Todd' will be taking the spotlight in coming seasons. Midway through season 7, Zach Braff will be replaced by David Hasselhoff, and the new Chris Turk will be Samuel L. Jackson. Die hard Scrubs fans can expect this series to be around for a good 35-40 more years.

Earl Boykins to switch position

Milwaukee, WI. After excelling in preseason in the Milwaukee bucks line up, Earl Boykins could not find any playing time behind guards Michael Redd, Mo Williams and Charlie Bell. Coach krystkowiak came up with a intelligent idea: Playing Earl Boykins at center.

“I thought it was a joke at first, but after coach talk to me it made a lot of sense, I don’t have the usual size for a center but I am much quicker than most of them” Said Earl Boykins

After playing point guard for his entire professional career, Earl has now switched to center. Coach krystkowiak’s idea seemed to pay off since Earl Boykins has average 22.4 points and 12.2 rebound following the switch.

“He can use his speed over any centers in the league, he creates many match up problems therefore many teams have decided to double team him, which helps our other players like Michael Redd find open shots effortless” declared Coach Krystkowiak.

Coach Larry Krystkowiak has been known for taking risk in his coach style, but we never hoped to see a starting Center in the NBA at only 5 feet 5 inches.
With that change in the line up, earl Boykins becomes the shortest player to ever play center in the NBA.

“He is just so fast; I can’t keep up with him down low!!!” Replied Dwight Howard after Earl dropped an embarrassing 38 points 16 rebounds performance on him last week.

The bucks hope that this new found spark helps them reach the post season something they haven’t done since the 2005-2006 campaign.
After seeing Earl’s success, it was reported that additional guards like Dan Dickau and Nate Robison wouldn’t mind attempting to play under the hoop.

Kobe to owner: I want a trade!!!

The Hollywood saga continues after Kobe Bryant asks for a trade.

After requesting a trade during the off season but then backing down, Kobe is still not happy in Los Angeles. His demands are quite confusing: Kobe demands a prime time reality television show or he is not playing another game for the Lakers.

“If I don’t get my TV show, I’m out of here, I have given so much to this town, it is time that it gives something back to me.” Said Kobe during a recent press conference.

Many suspect these demands come after Kobe’s nemesis Shaquille O’Neal received his own show this summer on ABC.

What the show may be about is quite a mystery but it could definitely be regarding Kobe’s decision making on and off court.
Rumor has it that Stephon Marbury will have a lead role on this new show.

Marshall Davis, the world's youngest doctor

Marshall Davis becomes the worlds youngest doctor at the age of 1 year, 1 month, and 14 days. Davis graduated from Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, TX and received his doctorate in neuroscience at the top of his class. He went through the course at an extremely rapid pace, learning faster than he could be taught. Davis had to have four professors teaching him different subjects at the same time for a strenuous 14 hours a day just so he could complete his doctorate quickly. Davis is also the first person to be able to receive a doctorate of any kind before being able to speak.
His father expresses great pride in his son, "I'm very proud of my son." Davis has made more money in his first paycheck than his father has in his entire life as a hard working oat farmer in Texas. Davis is currently employed at Concord Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire.

Columbia vs. Columbia dispute resolved

After 5 months of an ongoing trial between the country of Columbia and the Columbia apparel company the conflict has been resolved. Over five months ago the dispute started when the country of Columbia accused the Columbia apparel company of using their name without permission. The nation of Columbia stated that the apparel company made clothing primarily for cold weather which mis-represented their country's weather. President of Columbia, Alvaro Uribe, said, "The Columbia company is having a very serious effect on our nations tourism profits, and is making our country look like a horrible place to live or even visit." However this clash was resolved when Columbia Sportswear proposed an idea to have small hidden pockets on every jacket that are enclosed in an layer that is undetectable by dogs.

"We really just want to try to reverse what we have done to Columbia by helping their sales in their top priority crop", said Timothy P. Boyle – President, Chief Executive Officer and Director of Columbia Sportswear.

In other news: Columbia jackets reach an all time record in sales in Hollywood

Brian peppers voted sexiest creature alive!

Brian peppers was recently voted as the sexiest creature alive by US magazine. He beat Gollum and Sam Cassell. Brian won by a majority nearly collecting 60% of the votes, Gollum finished second with 22% and last Sam received 18% of the votes.

“It is a great accomplishment for me, personally I had mixed feeling when I heard that I was nominated but since I won, it is a great accomplishment for me.” Replied Brian to the press. The vote lasted over three months and many Americans voted. Us magazine claims that more people voted for this award than for the last president.

“I was very disappointed, I truly thought I had a fair chance, I want to thank all my fans who voted for me. This defeat will be hard for me to forget.” Declared Sam Cassell with a tear in his eye.

Gollum was unavailable for comments after being seen chasing a random woman with a shiny ring yelling over and over, “my precious!”

It was also reported that E.T. committed suicide after failing to be nominated for the award.

Kevin Bacon discovers true lineage; protests sale of swine for human consumption

Nov. 27, 2007 Kevin Bacon held a public protest against all meat manufacterers and local butcheries. The protest was sparked from Bacon's discovery of his true descendants, a pack of wild hogs in Northern Ireland. It was reported halfway through the filming of Bacon's new movie 'Taking Chance' Bacon fled to Ireland to spend time with his family. Now Bacon is on a mission to ban all consumption of pig meats in the United States, and in time, the world. Nearly 11 million Americans joined Bacon today in this protest, holding signs in disgust. Bacon has started a new organization to protect pigs from the dangerous human appetite, called 'Save the Swine'. Bacon has invested all of his life savings into the alternative meat company, Morningstar Farms.

We contacted Jimmy Dean to get his thoughts on Bacon's protest.

"It's a fact that pork, bacon, and sausage are the most essential things required for survival. If pig meat was banned, the US economy would crash and billions of people would lose their jobs. What will we do if the nations number one export is banned? You can't just substitute something else in for pig meat. It is required for people to stay healthy and enjoy life. Pig meat makes the foundation of the food pyramid for a reason." ~Jimmy Dean

TJ ford is forced to retire after life threatening injury

TORONTO- As many expected today, the Toronto raptors held an emergency news conference. A very disappointed TJ ford addressed the crowd in tears, “As you all know, a few days ago I suffered a stinger in my arm. After missing four games I have to make a painful decision but the only one that made sense to me. This injury left me no choice, effective immediately I’m retiring from the NBA.”

Tj ford was a rising star in the nba. Entering his fourth season in the league, he was regarded as one of the best young point guards in the league and a future all star. It is a very sad day for him but after spending several days in the emergency room, doctors are confident that they won’t need to amputate his arm, hopefully after years of therapy Tj Ford might recover the use of his left arm.

Teammates had only good things to say about ford:

“Tj has been a great player since he joined the team, he helped mature my game and was a great player and a friend" said Chris bosh.

"Tj is an enormous loss for our team, he both was a leader on the floor and in the locker room, but this is how tough the NBA is, you may loose everything on a single play." said coach Mitchell

“I think we will have a great game tomorrow and I hope I can regain my shooting touch.” replied Andrea Bargnani to the press.

Many NBA experts believe that the Italian player Andrea Bargnani has no idea what has happened to Tj Ford due to fact that his translator has been sick for the last couple days.

We wish Tj Ford all the best in the future and we hope that he can someday fully recover from this painful injury.

Lebron James takes home every NBA award

After confirming last nite with NBA commishioner David Stern, we are announcing that LeBron James will be winning every award that is given out in the NBA this year. Aside from winning the obvious MVP award less than a third of the way into the season, James will be winning the most improved player, 6th man, and rookie of the year awards. There was much debate over James winning the ROY award since he is in his 5th season, but after realizing there weren't any outstanding rookies this season and seeing how amazing LeBron is the commitee decided to just give the award to LeBron knowing that just giving him MVP wouldn't be enough. On January 16th LeBron will be live on TNT to accept his finals MVP award. LeBron has been working with a less fortunate team in the NBA, the Atlanta Hawks, and has pushed them to earn 6 wins in this early season already, a whopping 3 times as many wins as last year, making James the prime candidate for coach of the year.

We caught up with Atlanta Hawks guard/forward Josh Smith and asked him how LeBrons assistance has impacted the team.

"LeBron has been working very hard to really get us to that competetive NBA level. All last week we practiced this new technique called 'layups'. I think we are really starting to get the hang of it. Soon he will be teaching us new techniques like 'scoring 50 points in a game', 'averaging nearly a triple double', and 'how to not get called for traveling'." ~Josh Smith